How to Recover From a Painful Breakup Caused by Chronic Illness
/By Ann Marie Gaudon, PNN Columnist
What no one talks about. Getting “dumped” because you have chronic pain or illness. Let’s talk.
There’s no denying the unbearable emotional pain if someone you love decides they’ve had enough. The reality is that people can be cruel, including people that you never thought had it in them. Here’s a few zingers I’ve been made aware of:
“You’re always in pain and I’m sick of it!”
“I never signed up for this sh*t!”
“I’m so done looking after you!”
Sound harsh? It is, and it happens. While the breakup might be blindsiding, the reality is that the partner has likely been emotionally disengaged for some time. By the time they say those words, they are essentially over the relationship. However, for the person hearing them, they are likely in the initial stages of grief.
If you’ve seen messy breakups in the movies, you might think the answer is fuzzy pajamas and a litre of chocolate chunk ice cream. This will take more than a visit with Bridget Jones.
MRI brain scans have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same brain mechanisms that get activated when someone suffering from substance abuse goes through withdrawal. That is powerful pain. This would explain why we can obsess over ex-partners and crave them as if they were a drug we've been deprived of.
How to help yourself? Ensure the thoughts you have about your ex are realistic and balanced. If your memory consistently goes to that “best night of your life,” remember all the other nights that were upsetting to you. If you are consistently longing for their loving embrace, remember the nights that your advances were rejected.
What Went Wrong?
If you’re really struggling to get a grip on the reality of the relationship, write a list of all the reasons that it went south. You will see that it wasn’t 100% due to your pained body.
The point is to take a wider look and get a better perspective on the entire relationship. While you are emotionally depleted, your focus will tend to be narrow and unrealistic.
Accept explanations that fit the facts -- such as they were unwilling to make a commitment or they were not the person you thought they were. Avoid creating a harsh inner critic about why the breakup happened and see the relationship for what it was. Make a list of compromises that you made in this relationship that you would rather not make next time. What did you learn about yourself? Can you grow from this?
Do not check on your ex through social media. This will make it harder for you to stop fantasizing about your relationship and spending your time marinating in self-pity while imagining your ex out there living their best life sans you. Remove reminders of your ex such as photos, emails, or messages which will only add to your distress.
Take control of your behaviour. Do things that used to bring you joy, even if they don’t at the moment. Continuing to engage is a very important way to tell yourself that life does go on.
Reach out to friends, family or other loved ones to gather all the support you need. We all know what breakups are like and we all have our own words of wisdom to offer.
If your grief is not lessening with time, reach out to a therapist. A trusted therapeutic relationship can help you find your voice to express your grief in a healthy, healing way. A skilled therapist can also help you to develop new social relationships and a sense of self-worth to help decrease isolation and pain-related depression.
Ann Marie Gaudon is a registered social worker and psychotherapist in the Waterloo region of Ontario, Canada with a specialty in chronic pain management. She has been a chronic pain patient for over 30 years and works part-time as her health allows. For more information about Ann Marie's counseling services, visit her website.
