You Might Have Chronic Pain If…

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By Crystal Lindell

Back in the 90s, comedian Jeff Foxworthy had this whole bit about, “You might be a redneck if…”  

He’d start off with a funny description and then make the obvious conclusion, like: “If you ever cut your grass and found a car… you might be a redneck.”

It was an in-joke among people who proudly saw themselves as rednecks. Foxworthy wasn’t laughing at them, he was laughing with them — because he portrayed himself as one of them.

Whether or not a rich comedian was ever authentically a redneck is a debate for another day. But regardless, I very much am a member of the chronic pain community, and as such, I think there’s a few of these I could share.

So without further ado:

  • If your favorite breakfast is coffee and pain pills… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you have ever wanted to argue with a pharmacist… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you need at least 24 hours notice to leave the house… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you know exactly how long you can go without showering… you might have chronic pain.

  • If your favorite outfit is pajamas… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you think your “Dr. Google” search results are more valuable than your doctor’s degree… you might have chronic pain.

  • If the words “Have you tried yoga?” trigger your PTSD… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you have ever slept for 24 hours and then woken up and needed a nap… you might have chronic pain.

  • If your medical bills are higher than the GDP of a small country… you might have chronic pain.

  • If your “desk” is just your bed with a pillow propped up behind you… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you have ever had to diagnose yourself… you might have chronic pain

  • If you currently have a 500-count bottle of ibuprofen at home — and another one in the car… you might have chronic pain.

  • If your idea of a perfect date night is sitting at home under a heated blanket while watching Lord of the Rings … you might have chronic pain.

  • If your favorite food is THC gummies… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you ever used up all of your sick days in the month of January… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you use more dry shampoo than regular shampoo… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you ever hoped that a test actually showed you had cancer, so that then you’d at least have an explanation… you might have chronic pain.

  • If your most worn accessory is some sort of medical brace… you might have chronic pain.

  • If all your shoes have arch support… you might have chronic pain.

  • If your entire social media feed is posts about surviving chronic pain… you might have chronic pain.

  • If you have ever worn the same outfit for 5 days in a row… you might have chronic pain.

If you can relate to any of these… you might have chronic pain.

Here’s hoping today is one of your good pain days. 

And if you have any “You might have chronic pain if…” examples that you’d like to share, we’d love to read them in the comments.