By Mia Maysack, PNN Columnist
Just about every time I'm in the bathtub, I contemplate slipping my head under water for a tad bit too long. I do not consider myself suicidal, nor do I really want to die in the literal sense. But sometimes I reach a point when I'd do almost anything to kill this pain.
Current situation: At least 30 cluster headache attacks thus far this week. Constant migraine going strong for about two weeks. Ongoing fibromyalgia flares. Working to pass kidney stones induced by stress and dehydration. Nausea, dizziness, fatigue and exhaustion have latched onto my soul like draining parasites. None of my go-to treatments have eased any of the discomfort.
Despite my own battles, I consistently make myself available to others in the thick of their own private storms. The world needs more light and I can always use a distraction from my own body self-destructing. Win/win.
Recently I did what I could to talk a loved one off the ledge. This person is also unwell but in a very different way. Their infliction is not physical, but boils down to their own personal choices.
You might imagine the frustration I feel when surrounded by others who could save themselves from drowning simply by standing up.
All the while, I've been standing strong for years but consistently get swept away by overwhelming undercurrents that are entirely out of my control.
It can be difficult to encourage others to live when you're barely hanging onto a shred of hope for yourself. But I consider myself honored for the opportunity to try.
I cannot keep track of how many times I've had to “die" in a figurative sense so that I could grieve the losses of countless aspirations, ideas, goals and dreams. I've always been known as a positive person and that's most definitely who I am. It is not an act, but people tend to think it’s easy for me and they couldn't be more wrong.
It takes absolutely everything I have to lay my head down at night, knowing I'll awaken to the same demons I spent the previous day slaying. And that it'll likely remain this way, forever.
My positivity began out of necessity and is a method of survival. Relentless pain every single day for 20 years straight is enough for anyone to question their sanity or possibly even lose it. As a matter of fact, we're currently mourning the medically assisted suicide of a fellow Pain Warrior, who endured similar pain for the same amount of time.
I felt the need to write this so that others do not think they are crazy. Under our circumstances, it's understandable we might fantasize about no longer feeling this way. The mantras, positive quotes and clichés can only get us so far, and it can be downright devastating to not have adequate support, acknowledgment, validation or pain relief.
I also had to write this because I want to convey that you are all the main reason why I still hold on. Knowing there's a community of others who truly get it, provides me with a purpose and reason to get myself out of bed in the morning.
It has become my mission to demonstrate that these mountains of misfortune aren't meant to be carried, but they can be climbed. They might even be moved if we all work together.
No one can give us quality of life or the will to live outside of ourselves, but we can lean on one another during our deepest and darkest moments of despair. It's okay to have bad days, to be in a negative headspace, to question the purpose of all this, to feel angry, hurt or sad.
As I envision the water calming my ailments and swirling its way down the drain, I think about the possibility of someone reading this at a time they needed it most. That thought gives me the strength I need.
Mia Maysack lives with chronic migraine, cluster headaches and fibromyalgia. Mia is the founder of Keepin’ Our Heads Up, a Facebook support group, and Peace & Love Enterprises, a wellness coaching practice focused on holistic health.
The information in this column should not be considered as professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. It is for informational purposes only and represents the author’s opinions alone. It does not inherently express or reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of Pain News Network.