I Hate That I Need Opioid Pain Medication

By Crystal Lindell

I genuinely hate that I need opioid pain medication. 

I hate that I need it to function. I hate how expensive it is. I hate how I have to endure background checks like drug tests and interrogations to get it — like I was a criminal. 

I hate how tired it makes me. 

I hate that I can’t just buy it over-the-counter. I hate that I have to deal with judgmental doctors and pharmacists every single month to get it. I hate how vulnerable it makes me feel. I  hate how much stigma there still is around it. 

I hate that I hate it as much as I do, and yet people still think that I only take it because I’m a lazy loser who loves to get high. 

I hate that when I take it — it actually works — because that just shows how much I need it. 

Chronic pain sucks. But needing daily pain meds for a chronic condition also sucks. 

I have gone to great lengths to try to get off opioids — to try to live without them. 

I’ve done painful nerve block procedures, weekly lidocaine infusions at a hospital over an hour from my house, and gone to every specialist in that hospital. I’ve tried THC, kratom, nicotine gum, wine, and capsaicin cream. I’ve tried yoga, chiropractors, and acupuncture. I’ve tried gluten-free diets, losing weight, daily walking, and prayer.

I’ve also tried to just live with the pain. 

But I can’t. I still need opioid medication. 

I need it to shower. I need it to work. I need it to relieve the pain that makes me suicidal if left untreated.

Without opioid pain meds, I’d either be too disabled to function, or in too much pain to live. 

And I hate that so much. 

I wish that was not the case. I wish I could just exist in this stupid world without needing opioids to be alive, to actually live. 

I wish there was some other way to manage my chronic pain or even better, that I didn’t have chronic pain to begin with.

But alas, that is not the case. I literally need opioid pain medication to survive. 

So I keep taking it. 

I keep submitting to all the stupid hurdles put in place by doctors, pharmacists, and the DEA. I keep coming up with money to pay for my appointments and prescriptions. And I keep enduring the stigma that comes with it.

But I still have hope that one day people who need opioid pain medication won’t have to hate that they need it. That they’ll have access to it, and that they won’t have to submit to dehumanizing treatment to get it. 

I hope that one day needing opioid pain medication won’t be a burden to patients that must be endured on top of whatever ailments they already have. I’d rather they just bring the relief they were intended for.

The healthcare system doesn’t have to be like this. We can change it. Opioid pain medication could be accessible, inexpensive, and stigma-free. We just have to make it so.