Pain Can Make You Mean. Don’t Let It

By Crystal Lindell

As a child, I grew up hearing stories about just how viciously mean my late great-grandmother was. Her son, my late grandpa, was also described as “mean.”

Nobody wanted to be around them. Everybody wanted to be different from them. 

The moral of the tale – as I was so often told as a little girl – was to make sure I didn’t grow up to be “mean.”

As I got a little older though, I started to also hear the stories about their various medical ailments.  

My great grandma suffered from rheumatoid arthritis. She moved to Arizona in her later years hoping the dry desert air would bring her relief. And she started drinking a single beer every day to treat the pain, because her only other option was aspirin.  

Meanwhile, my grandpa regularly spent months in the hospital because of his scoliosis. He wore a back brace, and when he was home, he was either in bed or sitting at the kitchen table chain smoking cigarettes.

As an adult, with my own medical ailments, the picture has become much clearer. My great-grandmother and grandpa probably were very mean – but it’s only because they were both in a lot of pain.

They suffered every day. And they did what millions of others before them have done in that situation – they let the pain make them mean.

The healthy adults who told me these family fables never seemed to make the connections between the pain and temperament. They saw the mean personalities as something inherent in both my great grandma and my grandpa, as though it were some wholly separate thing from the health conditions that ravaged their bodies.

To my relatives, they were mean because they were bad people.

As an adult with chronic pain myself, I have come to understand things that were impossible for me to grasp as a child: They weren’t bad people, they just had bad bodies.

When you’re dealing with chronic pain, even the nicest, kindest person will develop an insatiable urge to lose their temper on those around them. After all, you can’t waste time with fake pleasantries and patience when your body feels like it’s been through a war zone.

I don’t want to be mean though.

Even on my worst pain days, I make a specific effort to ensure that I’m not taking out my physical pain on those around me.

But I struggle. There are so many times that I want to snap at my fiancé, yell at my mom, lose my temper on my friend. Can’t they see? I’m in pain! Why are they talking to me and annoying me when I’m in pain?

I stop myself though. Or, worst case, when I don’t have enough strength to stop myself, I apologize afterwards.

Beyond that though, when I know someone is struggling with physical pain, I don’t take their meanness personally. Instead, I offer sympathy.

All of us are just a few bad pain days away from becoming mean. Knowing that can help us offer understanding to others. But more than that, it can help us fight off the urge within ourselves.

So yes, pain can make someone “mean” - and those of us with chronic pain often are. But if we’re diligent, it doesn’t have to become our whole personality.

Are You ‘Paingry’ About Your Pain?

By Ann Marie Gaudon, Columnist

I’ve learned the hard way how you can stress anyone at all. Put these three factors in their life: Uncertainty, lack of information, and loss of control. Chronic pain patients are slammed with all three.

The stress can manifest itself in a variety of ways -- including anger -- and pain patients have a lot to be angry about. I’ve heard it called “paingry” -- which might even be cute if pain didn’t have the capacity to obliterate lives. People in pain typically experience greater anger than others because they carry the burden of many frustrations related to work, finances, relationships, health care systems, limitations, losses, etc.

We all tend to resort to anger to protect ourselves because someone or something has done us wrong. We protect ourselves from feeling what is “underneath the anger” which is emotional pain and feelings of vulnerability. Pain patients often have these feelings in spades. Anger is a natural, adaptive, emotional response when we feel threatened. It is the “fight” in the fight-flight-freeze response.

It’s no surprise that for chronic pain patients, anger arousal is associated with greater pain intensity, muscle tension, and interference with function and relationships.

So is anger regulation, whether it’s expressed in an outburst of anger (blowing up) or inhibited as anger (stuffing it down).  Blowing up won’t help you, but it will make you untouchable. You don’t want to be touched and nobody wants to touch you either.

Stuffing it down merely buries problems, which won’t go away and can lead to seething anger. These things are bad for everyone’s health and worse if you have chronic pain.

If you’ve got chronic pain, you’re going to be frustrated a lot of the time and acceptance of your condition becomes important. However, even learning acceptance can spark anger. You may think, “Why should I have to accept this? What have I done to deserve it?”

Understand Your Anger

Ironically, getting angry is not the problem. The real problem is a lack of awareness that anger is building into destructive ways of expressing that anger, and poor resolutions when we blow up in anger.

Here’s my message to all chronic pain patients: Don’t waste your anger, put it to work for you.

Understanding your anger is important. It is not caused by anything outside of you but is a response – sometimes not even conscious – that you make based on your interpretation of events. Feeling betrayed by your body? Doctors underestimating your pain? Suspected of malingering at work? Hard up for finances? Relationships breaking down? Denied or restricted medications? Stigmatized and discriminated against because you need opioid pain medication?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve come to loathe the phrase “drug seeking behavior” in reference to a legitimate pain patient because it’s so misguided. “Pain relief seeking behavior”? Now you’re talking.

Anger is an assertion of your most basic rights as an individual. Angry feelings need to be validated or acknowledged by yourself and others in order to move on to problem solving. You’re going to need a commitment to optimal pain management and to process your anger in a healthy way. The question then becomes, “How am I going to live with this in the best way possible?”

What Is Anger Telling You?

Anger and other raw emotions can be considered warning signs to things that we care about. Feeling enraged about your life with chronic pain can be a signpost that you value health, a productive life, want to be cared about authentically, and that you are not being treated fairly. If we didn’t experience anger, we wouldn’t have the message. It is a very healthy and necessary emotion to help us protect ourselves.

What is your anger telling you? If you misunderstand the message or do not act on it, your body will react and your pain will be escalated. Know that. It’s also crucial that you look for primary emotions. Those will be the underlying the hurt, vulnerability, and feelings of unfair treatment. They can be quite uncomfortable for a lot of folks.

Think of an iceberg. The much smaller top portion that you can see is the anger. What is not so obvious is the much larger mass underneath the water. That is your emotional pain and what you need to process and feel for all its worth. You need to acknowledge the entire iceberg; really get to the bottom of it. Secondary emotions like anger are often not helpful, especially if it leads to rage. Use your anger as a tip off that you need to look deeper to alleviate your distress.

Plenty of chronic pain patients need help with anger because they have so much to be angry about. See a therapist. There are many questions you will need to address. “Is there any unfair treatment in my life? Am I being honest and authentic about how I really feel? Are my needs being met? What is my message and what needs to be changed?”

You can get help becoming aware of your emotions on your way to accepting them. You can learn to take actions guided by these emotions – and put them to work for you.

If you’re a pain patient with no history of mental illness, yet you find yourself damned angry, breathe easier. You couldn’t be more normal. Pathologizing you with a mental health disorder and treating it with medication will not help you with your anger. Get help to listen to your inner dialogue.  See anger as a useful emotion. It’s telling you something that needs tending to.

I have a simple but effective strategy. It doesn’t involve diagnoses, medication, or creating spaces between myself and another person. Rather, I lean in and rely on empathy, respect and compassion for a fellow human being who is clearly overwhelmed with torment. Quietly and gently I ask, “Is it okay if we talk about your suffering?” The floodgates open. Know that is normal too.

Ann Marie Gaudon is a registered social worker and psychotherapist in the Waterloo region of Ontario, Canada with a specialty in chronic pain management.  She has been a chronic pain patient for 33 years and works part-time as her health allows. For more information about Ann Marie's counseling services, visit her website.

The information in this column should not be considered as professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. It is for informational purposes only and represents the author’s opinions alone. It does not inherently express or reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of Pain News Network.