A Pained Life: Torn Between Hope and Fear

By Carol Levy, PNN Columnist

Tonight, I feel like the character Pushmi-pullyu from Doctor Dolittle. You know, the animal that has a head at both ends; one head pulling to go to the right, the other head raring to go to the left.

I’m also feeling torn between hope and fear.

Although I have trigeminal neuralgia, which is not a headache, I am going to be admitted tomorrow to the headache inpatient unit at one of the city hospitals.

The treatment I will receive is a 24-hour a day IV lidocaine drip, for 4 to 5 days.

Many years ago, I had lidocaine infusions but they were for only 3 to 4 hours each time. I tried it a few times, a few weeks apart, but there was never any benefit. On the upside, there were also no side effects.

“doctor dolittle”

“doctor dolittle”

As I read the information online about getting lidocaine for a protracted period, I am getting nervous. Hallucinations? Uh oh. I don't think so. That scares me.

I already know about the potential heart risks. The doctor told me I will have to be tethered to a heart monitor the whole time as a precaution. A sudden drop or increase in blood pressure, unconsciousness and even seizures are possible.

I did not know about the potential for deep vein blood clots until I read the information the clinic sent me. I will have to wear anti-clot stockings the whole time.

There is a list of other “moderate” and “mild” side effects: a metallic taste, tinnitus (ringing in the ears), lightheadedness, agitation, drowsiness, problems focusing, slurred speech, and numbness of the mouth and tongue.

The more serious side effects worry me. Nothing happened when I tried lidocaine the other times, but maybe having it 24 hours a day for a few days in a row vs. 3 to 4 hours every few days makes a difference.

That’s where the Pushmi-pullyu comes from. I do not know if I want to do this.

This will be the first time in the last 13 hospitalizations where I will not be going in for brain surgery to treat my trigeminal neuralgia. I have to admit, there is probably an unconscious aspect of feeling as though I am allowing myself to do one more potentially really dangerous procedure, like another surgery, and I am putting that feeling of danger on the lidocaine.

On the other hand, the reason to go ahead is pure and simple. Bathing the nerves in anesthetic for 72 hours, maybe slightly longer, makes sense to me. The nerves will be numbed or at least calmed down. How can that not work?

My bags are packed. I'm ready to go.  So once again, hope wins out over fear.

Is that a good thing or bad? I won't know for a few days, but I wonder if instead of Pushmi-pullyu for those of us in pain, it should be Fearmi-hopeyu -- with the “hopeyu” being the stronger of the two.

(10/23/18 update: Carol reports the lidocaine infusion did relieve her pain for a while, but by the 3rd day, “I had some bad reactions that altered my reality perception, not what I would think of as hallucinatory but close cousin so we had to stop it.” Carol says she is very disappointed by the outcome, but it was “definitely worth the trying. And thank you to all who asked.”)

Carol Levy250.jpg

Carol Jay Levy has lived with trigeminal neuralgia, a chronic facial pain disorder, for over 30 years. She is the author of “A Pained Life, A Chronic Pain Journey.” 

Carol is the moderator of the Facebook support group “Women in Pain Awareness.” Her blog “The Pained Life” can be found here.

The information in this column should not be considered as professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. It is for informational purposes only and represent the author’s opinions alone. It does not inherently express or reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of Pain News Network.