A Pained Life: Accepting the Unacceptable

By Carol Levy, PNN Columnist

I was recently talking with a friend who has chronic pain and, like me, has had to deal with many bad side effects on top of the pain.

Helene has a facial pain disorder. Unfortunately, as a consequence of her last surgery, she developed problems speaking and swallowing. She has repeated injections to help with her voice, but the swallowing problem Helene says “is permanent." 

I can't believe that. “Have you had a third or fourth opinion?” I asked.

“Yes, and a fifth and sixth opinion. There is nothing more to be done,” Helene explained. “But I have adjusted to it and accept it.”

Her last statement felt almost like a punch to my gut. I am happy for her. But truth is, even after 40 years, I do not accept the pain, disabilities and disfigurement the many procedures and surgery have wrought in my life.

It is hard to adjust to change, especially when it affects our natural abilities and body functions. Even harder still when it is the result of medical or surgical mistakes. Or a surgery or treatment that went fine but caused more damage.

Acceptance certainly makes life more bearable. And yet, I have never been able to reach that state.

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My pain started in 1976. By now I should be well over having to accept and adjust, but instead I am still angry, frustrated and upset when the pain strikes. When I try to read or write, it exacerbates my eye and facial pain and becomes more then I can bear. The facial paralysis, a side effect of a surgery in 1979, is a hateful reminder of the terrible surgery that caused it.

Children sometimes look at me strangely and stare. I get it. I look different. If I was a child I would also probably look and wonder, “What happened to that lady?”

But It is the adults who feel a need to point me out or comment about me, within earshot, that hurt the most.

My cervical spine was severely injured during one operation. As a result, I have 12 screws and 2 clamps placed in my neck to literally hold it up. When I saw a man look at me, tap his companion's shoulder, point me out and make a slashing motion across his neck -- appearing to indicate to his buddy that I tried to slash my throat -- I wanted to crawl under a table.

Then the question becomes, “How do you adjust?” Or for people like me, “Why haven't you adjusted and accepted?”

As I think about the people I know who have chronic pain, I realize the difference between those who have accepted, adjusted and accommodated versus those of us who have not is a simple one: They have been accepted, and their pain and disabilities have been incorporated not only into their lives, but the lives of those around them. They are believed.

What do those of us who do not have that kind of outside affirmation do? We need to find a way to self-solace, whether it’s by therapy, a support group or meditation. It may seem simplistic, but we are our own best healers. By self-healing we can throw off the hurt and disbelief heaped upon us by others and instead nurture ourselves.

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Carol Jay Levy has lived with trigeminal neuralgia, a chronic facial pain disorder, for over 30 years. She is the author of A Pained Life, A Chronic Pain Journey.”  Carol is the moderator of the Facebook support group “Women in Pain Awareness.” Her blog “The Pained Life” can be found here.

The information in this column should not be considered as professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. It is for informational purposes only and represent the author’s opinions alone. It does not inherently express or reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of Pain News Network.