Don’t Add to My Pain

By Mia Maysack, PNN Columnist

This month I celebrate the anniversary of finally getting a fibromyalgia diagnosis, after years of fighting to “earn” it. To my lifelong course of chronic migraine was added a heaping side dish of a nerve disorder.

Intractable pain is a constant state of being for me, whether I use essential oils, think positive, drink pickle juice for 40 days and nights, or even if someone belittles, disbelieves, mocks or minimizes it.    

People often say things like "I wouldn't be able to make it” if their head hurt like mine does every day. For many, there's no possible way to imagine what it is like, but I'm finding that those who cannot relate at all often have the most opinions about it.

Others wonder how I've been able to accomplish what I have while under the persistent weight of brain discomfort. The answer is simple: Because I've had no other choice!

When not entirely incapacitated, head pain for me has been managed with a grateful attitude and a mind over matter approach. Unfortunately, when navigating matters of the physical body, more restrictions apply.  Neither deep breaths nor the tapping of my ruby red slippers will get me up or down the stairs when I'm unable to walk. 

Many around me have taken all of this personally, because the extent of the hardships I face have left me trapped behind closed doors more than ever. 

Instead of stopping by or reaching out to check in, entire relationships have changed -- primarily because my ailments have yet to be acknowledged, let alone respected.

Only recently did others finally begin to grasp the concept of my migraine and cluster headaches.

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But wrapping their minds around something else? Especially when I lack the energy and desire to continually attempt to justify or explain? Forget about it. 

One thing about me is that I rarely ever complain. I'm known to seek out silver linings and hand the light I find over to the next person in need. I count my blessings on a regular basis and never lose sight as to how much worse things could be or how they can change in the blink of an eye.

So, when attempting to bare my soul while being met with judgment, doubt, questioning or just flat out disregarded, I wonder if those who respond that way ever stop to reflect. Shifting blame toward me or my conditions for our lack of fellowship or communication doesn’t help the relationship.   

Not long ago I was out at a dinner, constantly having to shift in the chair or get up to stand, while repeatedly being reminded what we're conversing about due to brain fog. All the while my head is banging and I can barely eat because the nausea from attempting to ignore everything else was heightening.   

The dear one I'm out with mentions another friend who endures similar circumstances. He proceeds to explain how he's had to carry this person out of places and into their home due to the extent of their fatigue. Hearing this tears me up because I can literally feel for them.  

But instead of using this opportunity to bond, my emotion was met with ridicule: "You are SO sensitive! I cannot talk about ANYTHING with you!"  

It felt like insult to injury, that they'd demonstrate compassion for another but then put me down.   

Before that, someone else I love labeled my chronic pain as a "placebo effect." More recently, even after discussing my disability hearing, a friend wondered if I had a gym membership because they didn’t want to work out alone.  

Not that it is blasphemous to bring up the topic of exercise, but it showed a lack of empathy. If I am in need of using a cane, not always able to drive, experience muscle failure and soreness to the touch, what about that signifies my readiness to lift weights or hop on a treadmill?

I used to go out dancing regularly, but the last time was about 24 months ago for an ex co-worker's bachelorette party -- whose actual wedding I ended up missing because of all this. Another homie of mine hasn't replied to me since I'd been forced to cancel attending her kid’s birthday party at the last minute.  

Quite honestly, if I keep in contact with just about anyone, it's because I initiate the connection. Many have flat out stopped talking to me altogether because my consistent need for self-care is an inconvenience for them.  

What they don't know is that all of this is so real. The other day, I purposefully went outside in the rain to pre-shower, because with Mother Nature's help the chore felt slightly less daunting. 

Having been dealt this hand and then being left to cope on your own has a way of demonstrating the extent of one’s strength they may not have realized they had. I am thankful for everything that broke me because that’s what I am made of.

I now declare unapologetically that all of this has forced me to change. Nothing is welcome in my life that adds more hurt or disrupts my peace. My hope is that everyone reading this reaches the same conclusion and thereby a level of freedom.    

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Mia Maysack lives with chronic migraine, cluster headaches and fibromyalgia. Mia is the founder of Keepin’ Our Heads Up, a Facebook advocacy and support group, and Peace & Love, a wellness and life coaching practice for the chronically ill.

The information in this column should not be considered as professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. It is for informational purposes only and represents the author’s opinions alone. It does not inherently express or reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of Pain News Network.