A Pained Life: Fearful Fortunes

By Carol Levy, PNN Columnist

I love fortune cookies, but have no faith in the fortunes themselves. I opened a cookie recently and out came this message: “Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.”

I am going through a bad time recently. For 19 years I have had a spontaneous remission of the worst of my trigeminal neuralgia pain.

The trigeminal nerve now seems to be regenerating and it worries me. I get sporadic tingling sensations in the numbed areas of my face, the result of a procedure done in 1979. Within the last few months, the spontaneous pain has also started coming back, not in the same way, and only one or two flares were horrific.

I am very fearful all the pain will return.

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My new neurologist specializes in headaches. My situation is an unknown to him. He is very nice but is essentially throwing drugs at me, a new one each time the one he just prescribed doesn't help or gives me terrible side effects. He is throwing things at the wall and hoping something will stick. I fear nothing will.

I finally found someone who specializes in trigeminal neuralgia and facial neuropathy, my disorders. She asked for a copy of my medical records so she can decide if she will accept me as a patient.  I fear she will refuse. Or if she agrees to see me will be unable to help — like almost all the others.

A woman I know has fibromyalgia and Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). For years she has been on high dosages of Dilaudid and another strong opioid. Her doctor decided he would halve her dosages of both. She was appropriately fearful of being tapered. But to her astonishment she found she could tolerate the reductions. She is happily doing just as well on the lower dosages as she had been on the higher amounts.

A lot of what we go through is often based on fear. It is legitimate. We know what the pain is like, we know what the medications do, we know what we can and cannot do. A lot of our choices are fear based: It hurts when I do this, so therefore I will never do it again.

I am able to do so much more, feel so much better when I am on this particular medication and this particular dosage, so I will refuse any changes. I am used to this doctor/physical therapist/specialist being involved in my treatment, even though I am not always happy with them, so I will stay anyway.

It is hard to give up the fear. Pain is not like painting a room a new color and then deciding you don’t like it. You can always just repaint. But change what I am used to doing to deal with the pain? That is not so simple. My pain may increase and be even more unbearable, more daunting.

But what if I take the chance and find I am okay?

Our minds and bodies have been programmed to do all we can to avoid pain. Fear is one of the ways we deal with it. As a kid you touch a hot stove and feel the excruciating pain of a burn. You very quickly learn to fear a hot stove, the fear keeping you from hurting yourself in the same way again.

It is almost counter intuitive to heed the fortune: “Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.”

What we know is why we fear. Maybe, at least for us, the fortune should read: “'Listen to what you know, but take the chance of fear anyway.”

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Carol Jay Levy has lived with trigeminal neuralgia, a chronic facial pain disorder, for over 30 years. She is the author of “A Pained Life, A Chronic Pain Journey.”  Carol is the moderator of the Facebook support group “Women in Pain Awareness.” Her blog “The Pained Life” can be found here.

The information in this column should not be considered as professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. It is for informational purposes only and represent the author’s opinions alone. It does not inherently express or reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of Pain News Network.