Support for Spouse with Chronic Pain Is Helpful, But Not Always Welcome

By Pat Anson, PNN Editor

Support from a spouse or romantic partner with chronic pain can lead to fewer symptoms of depression and more positive moods, according to new study. But some people in pain have poor psychological health regardless of the support they receive.     

A Penn State research team conducted a series of interviews with 152 long-term couples over the age of 50 in which one of the partners had knee pain from osteoarthritis.

Nearly 40% of middle-aged Americans have knee osteoarthritis, a progressive and painful joint disorder that causes thinning of cartilage and joint damage. The condition is strongly associated with early death, high blood pressure, diabetes and cardiovascular disease, particularly in women.

“Osteoarthritis in the knee can be a challenging condition,” lead author Suyoung Nah, PhD, said in a press release “People with the condition will eventually need support managing their pain. What is more, they are likely to continue needing assistance managing their pain for the rest of their lives.”

Nah and her colleagues asked each couple about the pain management support they received from a spouse or partner, such as assistance in taking pain medication or help standing up.

Most participants who received good support felt loved and grateful, and had fewer depressive symptoms; while those who felt a lack of support had more negative moods and were more likely to be depressed.

A small group of respondents reported feeling angry or resentful — even when they received good support from a partner.

“Almost everyone has times in their life when they do not want to accept help because it makes them feel helpless or because they think they do not need it,” said co-author Lynn Martire, PhD, a Professor of Human Development and Family Studies at Penn State’s Center for Healthy Aging.

Researchers wanted to see if people’s perceptions of the support they receive changed over time, so 18 months later they surveyed the same couples again. Those who felt anger or resentment at the start of the study – regardless of the support they received -- continued having negative moods.

That finding demonstrates the need for good communication between couples when one partner has chronic pain. Providing support – and accepting it -- can be complicated in those relationships.

“Receiving care is not always beneficial to every aspect of a person’s life,” said Nah, who is currently a Postdoctoral Fellow at the Virginia Tech Center for Gerontology. “Additionally, it may be difficult for couples to discuss and negotiate care. As a society, we need to make sure that older people understand their partner’s needs and desires regarding care so that both partners can maximize their physical, emotional and relational quality of life.”

Previous research by Martire found that couples typically don’t have conversations about the type of support that is wanted or needed. Clear communication about expectations and feelings can improve the quality of life for a partner who needs care.

“My main interest is in late-life family relationships — especially couples — navigating chronic illness,” Martire said. “Most older adults have at least two or three chronic illnesses, so helping them find better ways to help each other is really important.”

The study was published in Journal of Aging and Health.

A 2017 study found that criticism from a spouse can make chronic back pain worse. People with back pain who felt they were criticized had more anxiety, anger and sadness, and their pain levels increased for as long as three hours. The study also found that when a partner was supportive – expressing concern about a spouse’s pain or giving “helpful” suggestions – the interaction was still perceived as negative by some pain sufferers.

The Impact of Chronic Pain on Family

By David Hanscom, MD, PNN Columnist

I have long asked the spouses and partners of my chronic pain patients to participate in the “Direct Your Own Care” project — my step-by-step method that allows patients to take control of their treatment plan.

One reason is that partners of chronic pain patients also experience suffering. They have their own broken dreams, disappointments and often just feel bad -- because their partner is feeling bad. This is not primarily psychological. The human brain has “mirror neurons” that are stimulated by others’ behavior. If one partner is having a bad day, there is a good chance that the other’s day is not going to be great, either.

So, when the patient’s partner is snippy, critical or hostile, the patient tends to feel worse, too. The region of the brain that elicits a bad mood is stimulated. Conversely, if one partner is in a great mood, the other tends to be happier.

That is why— indirectly for my patients’ sake and directly for that of their partners — I believe it is vital that both partners learn tools such as expressive writing and adding more play into their lives to restore a joyful life.

Unfortunately, it is often remarkably difficult to convince other members of the household to engage in these tools. If you care for your family member, why would you not try to do as much as possible to help him or her heal?

I ran across a study in the journal Pain that partially explains why. Researchers had 105 patients with chronic back pain and their spouses keep an electronic diary for two weeks on their interaction with each other. Spouses were asked to observe and record the patient’s pain behavior (such as complaining or grimacing), while patients were asked about any criticism or hostility they received from their spouse.   

The following observations were made:

• Patient’s pain increased for over three hours when they felt hostility or were criticized

• Patient’s pain behavior consistently created a negative reaction from their partner

• These interactions were consistent. The conclusion was that long-term negative interactions not only cause more pain, they erode relationships and quality of life

This finding is similar to what has been found in depression research. Depressed patients act in ways that cause rejection from others, which in turn exacerbates the depression.

There is no question that chronic pain is a family issue. The couples’ study doesn’t even take into account the damage an angry person in chronic pain can inflict on his close relationships. The family unit can become a living hell and seem like a hopeless situation.

Fortunately, like the patient’s condition, the family dynamic can get better with the right tools. It did with me.

Anger and Relationships

In addition to stimulating the nervous systems of those close to you through the mirror neuron effect, there are additional problems created by chronic pain in the household. Most of them stem from the understandable problem that when someone is trapped by pain, he or she is chronically angry and upset. Members of the family become targets in many ways. 

First, there is often a lot of complaining about the pain, medical care and the frequent mistreatment that patients in pain experience. We have found that many, if not most patients in pain, discuss their problems daily. Family members become worn-down by this, but the patient usually doesn’t understand the depth of their despair. Although the family is concerned and upset that their loved one is suffering, they are frustrated by their inability to help. In medicine, the term we use for this is “compassion fatigue.”

Secondly, peace, love and joy are crushed and replaced with an angry energy. Family members are often targets of sharp orders and criticism. The patient may demand that their physical needs be met by the family. At the same time, the person in pain may emotionally withdraw and become isolated even while being in the middle of a lot of bustling activity. Family life just isn’t as much fun.

Third, the essence of successful relationships is being aware of the needs of those around you. This is true in any arena, but especially critical in the family. Lack of awareness is the essence of abuse and anger is the ultimate manifestation of it. You can’t see the needs of others because you are blinded by your own angry energy.

So, instead of the home being a place of safety, it can become dangerous. When a family member is triggered by an angry patient and becomes hostile or critical, then the patient becomes more upset and it all becomes like a giant ping-pong game. This the opposite of what you would want, where a happy person creates the opposite contagious reaction. And where is the end point?

Since anxiety and anger are unconscious survival reactions that are much stronger than the conscious brain, they aren’t subject to rational control. How many of us have ever solved a disagreement in the middle of an argument? It never happens.

Healing Energy

We have discovered that family dynamics are such a powerful force in keeping people in pain, that medical interventions may have a limited effect. Conversely, we have also found out that the family can be a remarkably healing energy for everyone involved – and it happens quickly.

The path to this healing energy is the topic for another article. But the starting point goes like this:

The first thing I ask is that every adult family member living at home immerse themselves in the healing process. That means actively engaging in the exercises that calm down the nervous system. You can see them outlined on my website.

Second, I tell patients never to discuss their pain – ever -- except with their medical team. Talking about pain reinforces the pain circuits and is frustrating to those who care about you, but can’t help. I also tell patients that they can’t complain about anything.

Third, I want the family to reminisce about the most enjoyable times in their relationships. What were the fun times? Discuss them in detail and stick with the conversation. Try to feel it.

The final and most challenging step is not bringing the pain home with you. I tell patients, “When you walk through the door, you’ll make a commitment to never bring pain back into the house.”

The intention is not to ignore pain or pretend it doesn’t exist, but to create a safe haven in your living space. I want patients to take the positive energy generated by the conversation about the best times in their relationship into the home and keep it there.

If you have to argue or fight – take it outside. Every person in the household has the right to relax and feel safe in the confines of their home.

Dr. David Hanscom is a spinal surgeon who has helped hundreds of back pain sufferers by teaching them how to calm their central nervous systems without the use of drugs or surgery.

In his book Back in Control, Hanscom shares the latest developments in neuroscience research and his own personal history with pain.

The information in this column should not be considered as professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. It is for informational purposes only and represents the author’s opinions alone. It does not inherently express or reflect the views, opinions and/or positions of Pain News Network.