How Chronic Pain Kills Your Independence
/By Crystal Lindell
There’s a myth that I heard a lot as a little girl. That when I grow up and become a woman, the ultimate goal should be full independence.
Or as Destiny's Child famously sang in their 2000 anthem, Independent Woman: "I depend on me / All the women, who independent / Throw your hands up at me.”
But if you have a chronic illness or chronic pain, the reality is actually: I depend on me… and my fiancé, my mom, my grandma, my siblings, and my friends.
I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS). It’s a connective tissue disorder that I was born with, although I was not officially diagnosed until 2018. The only reason I was diagnosed then was because five years earlier, in 2013, I developed debilitating pain in my right ribs that would later be labeled by doctors as intercostal neuralgia.
Despite living most of my life without a diagnosis, the EDS has always been there, impacting my life. I just didn’t know that it was the cause of my clumsiness — and the countless injuries, sprained ankles, and crushing fatigue.
I remember when the symptoms made my life feel impossible to handle. Like the time I sprained my ankle in college. I remember going home after a long day of hobbling on crutches around campus, and having to drag myself up a flight of stairs to my walk-up studio.
When I finally got into bed, I remember crying myself to sleep in pain and frustration, just begging the universe for help.
These days, I recently started working outside the home again, a cashier job at a local gas station. Because of my chronic pain, there’s absolutely no way I could manage my life independently while also working there. I need help to pull it off.
My fiancé handles so many of the day-to-day tasks required to keep me functioning. Without him doing laundry, washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, feeding the cats, cleaning the litter boxes, doing yard work, and countless other chores, I would never have enough energy to do my job and handle the rest of my life.
At the end of the day, we all need people like that. And when you have a chronic illness or chronic pain, you need them even more urgently.
I don’t even get to pretend I live an independent life. A dependent life was forced on me by my broken body.
Over the years, I have come to realize that the ultimate goal is not independence. The ultimate goal is surrounding yourself with people who you can trust to help take care of you -- and who you love enough to take care of in return.
